FASFA and New Year's Eve for First Time College Parents

Oh Dear 2014,

Sometimes, I do not want you to end.

Sometimes, I cannot wait for you to be over.

I am conflicted and confused and confident and courageous.  

Because I am a parent.  

Because that is how life is-- no matter who and what we are.

Click here for why We do not want the good times to end

and here for why We cannot wait for the hard times to be over.

So simple to say yet so complex to experience.

As I look back at all the joy and happiness that 2014 has brought me, I try to focus on the peace which I want to bring to everyone in 2015.  I know and believe that I must start with me and the members of the Hen Nest, 

To humor everyone; here is what I did to my husband early on this New Year's Eve Morning. Proof, you know, that I am not perfect and this is so not the way to go about making peace in our homes and relationships, 

He has a gift, a strength,  some how he looks past my irritations and reworks them  a funny reflective thought for me.  Much better than saying something that would cause a fight....for instance, he could have responded: you did not even say Good Morning!!! Which, in fact, I did not!! and he would have been so right and I would have been so upset at beig so wrong that we would have had an explosion.  Would the explosion have been about not saying Good Morning or about the stress of the cost of financing three college tuitions in the next six years? 

Humor helps, it always helps with children, especially the first child

• everything is new....
• how to get them to sleep through the night,
• how to survive fevers you never knew could be so high in such a small person,
• watching the love of your life go off to kindergarten on the school bus,
• then fast forward to driving, college visits, college acceptances, 

• and the New Years Day/FAFSA Day -- of the year leave that child leaves for college!!

Breathe, Mom!  Smile, Mom!  Laugh, Mom!

Breathe Dad, Smile, Dad! Laugh, Dad!

Breathe Baby Bird! Smile Baby Bird! Laugh, Baby Bird! 

Hope I made you laugh at my Not So Perfect way to start NYE Day!

Hope that by witnessing my "I'm human, forgive me moment" you will join me in over at the Not Perfect, Only Human NYE event #NYRP2015,

We should end this year with gratitude for the pain(s) we may have witnessed or experienced.  Why? 

We could let the pain stretch us and batter us and/or destroy us.  Leaving our relationships in ruins.

OR

We could let the pain stretch us and compliment us and/or save us.  Leaving our relationships strong.  

Love and Peace and HUMOR will always find a way with the unknown,  
a positive path that may not end where we expected it to,
but can be happy and fun while we travel.

**Peaceful 2015 to my readers, their family and friends**

This post is dedicated to my husband, my best friend, 

he is my humor and light when the world seems scary and dark.  

We have put each other through the worst at times

And found  a way to forgive each other.

We have come close to letting pain destroy us

But have gone farther and let it Save us.

I love you, Sweet"T"!!!!

Motherhood and the Delicate Balance of Joy and Worry

Being worried and Being a Mom. 

We try, right? Not to worry.

Sometimes we are successful...

Other times we are only human.  

Worry happens.

Oh the worry and concern when I realized: I was really pregnant with our little egg--a sixth pregnancy and fourth child, with our oldest already about to turn ten!

The worry of our baby bird surviving to full term?

And if so, would  I be able to balance all?

Or would our Nest crash to the ground, because of me? 

I confided to a mom friend that I was trying to balance worry and joy!

She replied confidently,  "When your oldest is 18, this new child will be your balance."

My friends words came back to me yestreday while at Build A Bear, watching pure and simple happiness unfold....

She had the BEST Helper who interacted with us the entire time.  Who pretty much had a party when the newly stuffed elephant was christened Ellie. 💕🐘

It was surreal as we stepped over to the fluffing station. Why? Here is where the worry could have infected a very happy moment.  Simultaneously, my oldest was stepping on the Ice for a game with her  team.  Returning, after a three week abscence for post concussive symptoms, my fears that she might be hit hard (again) were squelched by her sister's squeals!  as air started to fluff Elllie!  Those familiar with the making of a stuffed animal know what fun it is!

One red scarf addition later, we walked back into the mall with Ellie's "White House" Box, her 12/28/14

Birth certificate, and a huge smile

on my youngest's face.

My friend was right, lil' bird balanced me!

Momentarily, I  forgot about the concussion- all three of them.  Forgot about the two recent bouts of the boy's  flu over Christmas.  Which somehow  led to being (unexpectedly) yelled at by the coach (for having to forfeit a game due to the illnesses)).  Almost forgot missing my mother in laws 75th birthday celebration 

today because my son, the only goalie, has to be here to play for the team.  Obviously, that prevents us from making the long trip to where my MIL lives. 

(As an aside, with grandparents far away, Thank goodness for FaceTime!  When  Ice Time prevents visiting in person).

Withessing childhood happiness and delight can go a long way.........

Later, in the car, on the way to the second half of the game, I began balancing forgiving the coach's poor attitude with the happiness my kids have experienced while playing together on the same team. Bottom line, I just want to watch my big kids play the sport they love.

My big kids are learning a somewhat confusing but very important lesson: Being an adult doesn't always guarantee being mature. Life doesn't guarantee the perfect coach/teacher/parent.  They are learning to balance human imperfection with wordly expectation.  At least that is my hope!!  I balance that with the reality that far worse things could be happening right now.  What if they could not play at all?  I trust this will make them amazing adults and possibly very amazing coaches someday.

Balance comes with insuring that the youngest has innocent fun and delightful  childhood experiences similiar to her older siblings.  Which means that sometimes we are late or even miss the big kids hockey games.  While other times she misses an event so we are all together in the stands loudly cheering!

This is ALL that was on my mind when I walked through the mall!!! Really, We are rarely thinking what others think we might be thinking when we stop and ponder a possible purchase! This moment is proof, lol!!!

Balance  began with witnessing my youngest child's innocence and pure joy.

While laying aside the insanity of the last few weeks of sports, injuries, illnesses and the emotional exhaustion of raising teens. 

Life is not perfect! 

However, being with a child sometimes life comes very, very close to near perfect joy.

I Love you baby bird!

Love you all my Luvie Birds!

Thank you for the balance!

And thank you for the great day, yesterday of hockey, shopping, church and football!!

Gifting, What to Give that Will Last Forever

At this very special time of the year,  if I could give everyone one gift, it would be Unconditional LOVE of self.

Understand, You would be asked to love knowing you are not perfect because. you are only human.

However, even when we fall, love and belief and confidence can be like the rings of a ladder providing solid steps up from dark paralyzing pain into the light of love.

Of course, We can do this ourselves.  WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH, to do it alone, believe that!

Any of us who have spent a day, month, year or lifetime of sorts, beating ourselves up for our failures and our mistakes and our falls, has wasted too much time already.

Any of us who have been a parent, older sibling, aunt or uncle knows that when a child is little and falls, literally, you help by physically picking them up. As they mature, you step back and emotionally support them while they learn to pick themselves up on their own.  When unconditional love is there for that child, without judgement, the child hopefully will grow into a confident adult because they have known unconditional love.  I am not an expert but I believe this to be true.

Any of us, with a spouse,  who loves unconditionally, knows it can be life changing.  I relate it to the couple that have been married for 50 years "and never had a fight".  You know they have had a fight!  Astounding is that they were able to fight, apologize, forgive and FORGET! Leaving them with the overall feeling that they have never had a fight, because they do not remember the fights.  They remember the good times.  What a love story! Simple true and unconditional.

Life is never perfect, never really the way we think it might be.  However, what if we could

•  look past the imperfections, in ourselves and others?
•  lay aside our disputes, with ourselves and others? 
•  search out and concentrate on the good in ourselves and each other and our circumstances?
•  then forgive and forget the mistakes we and others have made?

Maybe we should start with unconditionally doing the above with ourselves!

Then with the people around us (we might have to do so from afar, to protect ourselves or children).  

**I do not recommend anyone staying in a fearful situation.  I am not saying that you if you are being harmed, you should forgive and go back for more.  I am saying that you should forgive and forget to free yourself of the pain of the past. Once you forgive a person, your free to start living your life.**

What happens when we forgive ourselves and others?

We set ourselves free.   

We leave ourselves open to the positive side of life.

  

We leave ourselves open to love without conditions.

We become content with far less than we ever thought we would need to be content.

My gift for you, starts with you.
                           These words could be a catalyst to change within you:

Love yourself, unconditionally. You are not perfect, you are only human.
       You were meant to be loved.  Be content with that! and who knows where it will take you.

Go check out my Facebook Blog Page appropriately named: Not Perfect Only Human.

Check back there or here and let me know if you accepted my gift and where it brought you.

Peace!

Surviving the Fires of This Life

Crucifix Miraculously Saved From Devastating Church Fire

Need a reminder that the Cross is an important part of our faith?

Read the above link.....

May we embrace our crosses today, 

We have no idea 

the fire it will save us from

Pray for me to embrace mine,

I will be praying for you, too.

I am truly awful at accepting my crosses,

Are you?

I want to "shake it off"

I want to "be free" of its weight

And if it's been a long day, I might give in to whining and moping.

Do you?

The miraculous story and this image are 

A much needed reminder!

what feels like a cross to us

May actually be our own Firewall

Prayerful Blessings
To the San Jose Fire Department and to YOU!

Be Well, My Friend!

Follow @RXOBX

Holidays and Happiness alongside Grief, Death and Loss--Trial and Error

Pretty wise words from someone who died a tragic death.  

One of the hardest things to realize after a tragic loss is that life will continue:  day and night still come, deadlines must be met, children keep growing and the seasons still change.  We ask ourselves, "How is happiness possible when the world is missing someone very special?"

Then, the hardest thing to understand  is "how will we live again? without that person, that relationship, which helped define us?"   We were daughters, sons, wives, husbands, grandchildren, siblings and friends when they were here, what does their death or their leaving mean to who are we now?? 

The thoughts, emotions and concerns can all become overwhelming, draining, deflating.

 simple math:

    Each dawn is a dance of emotions

+  (Add) the dawn of a "special day" 

=  "salt to the wound"

Is that equation what brought you to Grandfather Google and the search for holidays and happiness? 

Well, you have found someone who is so very sorry for your loss.

I encourage you to believe, that happiness will come again.

As a sibling of loss, a daughter of loss, and loosing a very special friend, I encourage you to reach out to those you are closest with and plan your holidays together. Be VERY aware though, that those decisions are going to be hard, because each of you are grieve differently.  Respect that difference!  I think families are very wise to Talk about whatever DATE is looming ahead on their calendars in small chunks- a little bit every couple days for the next few weeks so as to develop a flexible plan to manage the grief and sorrow that comes with the change, the loss, the separation, the way life is now.  

Talk, and plan and write down the plan and be flexible (ie, do not expect perfection).

Holidays-religious or not- will never be the same after a loss.
 Holidays-religious or not- do not stop coming, they continue to show up every year. 
Preparing for them ahead of time is the wisest course of action.

Forgive the imperfect, even all of our joyous occasions were not perfect before our loss. 

 Do not let the loss add exponentially to  noticing faults or imperfection.

So, you might be thinking, no way, Michele.  I can't think about this now, I will just wait until the occasion arrives and I will deal with it, get through it, survive it, manage it. 

**Sadly, then, two lives were lost, yours and the person you loved

because "just managing the moment"  is not "living the whole life"**

Am I asking you to redefine yourself?
  Not in the least. 

 You are who you are.
I am suggesting that to find happiness

you need to discover who you will become in the future, with your loss.

I encourage the bereaved ((who are preparing for Thanksgiving in America, or the over marketed and crazy chaos that Christmas has become or maybe have recently celebrated Rosh Hashanah or customs and traditions of another faith and upbringing)) to look forward and stand with us as we stare and prepare for the few remaining weeks of this year AND  To redefine your expectations of happiness. 

Soooo,

In a few steps

-take one step at a time-

(this doesn't all have to be done in one sweeping moment)

*bookmark this page to come back to these ideas.

*find a blank sheet (simple paper, or a special journal, or make a  bereavement journal- a link for making one is coming, soon)

*find tissues, acknowledge that letting go thoughts might let some tears flow.

*play some John Lennon from above, or some other favorite music, (NO TV to become sidetracked).

* take a deep breath and write down everything that made you happy before your loss.

(if a loss of health-then the things you could do before your diagnosis or if the loss of loved one then the things that you did with that person or what they did to make you laugh, feel special and happy.)

*look at the list and highlight three things that mean the most   (--okay five if you can't choose :)

*now look at the shortened list: (really look at it with an open heart, and take a deep breath)

      -is there an activity that you could do that would help keep the person's spirit alive?

      -is there an organization where you could lend a helping hand?

      -is there a place that you and the person you lost always wanted to visit as a new tradition?

      -is there a creativity that you can use to bring someone holiday happiness in memory of your loss

Here are some examples to encourage you:

Simply Making the World a More Beautiful Place, In Memory

A New Tradition

Transferring Emotions into An Activity

On a note about where to get the energy to do this....

Here is where you can look why it is so important to redefine happiness:  grief is an energy, too.

It is up to you to take the grief and channel it into something that creates a new energy of happiness. There is your ENERGY, being used for something wonderful!  

It isn't easy, it isn't perfect but you are worth it!

This does not meant that you are redefining YOU, no,

 you are not becoming someone else, 

you are becoming MORE of you, incorporating your loss, allowing it to become a better part of you.

Remember what I wrote in this post, in the Spring?  Go back and read it and remember that your loved ones lost, or yourself before your loss occurred, do not want to look back and see you sad.

They want to see you at the very least, searching for happiness, if not already there.  

They won't be insulted that you have moved forward.

This is all even more important**** If you have children, please, work as a family to "celebrate" your holidays--because as a child (I was part child/part teen when my most severe losses occurred-so I still consider myself a child/adolescent)  I did have ideas about what traditions I would like to forget and which I would forever like to continue so as to pass on to my own children someday.  I also really wanted to do something to honor the past and bring it into my future.  The children need to have a voice, too.

On a last note, at the very,very least, a crucial first step, I strongly encourage continuing just writing everyday, a little bit, letting the steam off the emotional pressure in your head.... 
so it does not explode in a torrent of grief.  
You can make the writing  a letter to yourself, a letter to your loved one, a letter to whoever/whatever inflicted pain on you, a letter to your childhood self or tell a story from your point of view.
Or go techie and you can make it an IPhone/Ipad capable for adults  and even this cute one for kids and teens  or for the android user there is Flava.   If that is the only step you take at this time, on paper or on your tablet/phone, believe me, that is the most important, crucial first one.

OF course, after setting pen to paper,  eventually encourage yourself to take the next step and create something (whatever it is that you excel in--music, quilting, photography, gardening, baking) A joy in the creation of a gift for someone else that may have a hidden meaning for you, is the true meaning of joy.  **remember that in giving (out of grief) the receiver has no idea about the tremendous emotion in your present (if you chose to give what you have created away).  No, the eye of the beholder will not see behind to the pain and the loss, and that is OKAY-forgive them that-because we really don't want anyone to experience what we have, do we?  Just let them enjoy the gift, no emotional strings attached.

We are searching for how to find happiness and joy again.   I hope this post helped you!  
I hope you feel a little joy, maybe even happiness as you walk away from these pages. 
Let me know if you do, and feel free to add anything else you think helps in the comments below.

Remember,  life is not perfect, 

let it be human.....

cry, laugh,reach, move forward and live life with loss.....

(while believing that you can be happy- I will be praying that for you!)

                 

100 Years old and a Veteran, too

Every Veterans Day weekend, the Girl Scouts in our community bake cookies for the Veterans.  They deliver them

With notes and cards and smiles.  Big thanks abound, from givers and receivers.

This year my daughter delivered to a 100 year old man who landed in the first wave of soldiers on the beach at Normandy. 

How does that leave you feeling?

I was overwhelmed with gratitude for all

Of our freedoms. They are so hard won.  So much courage and sacrifice and hard work with very little complaints  from that generation.

May my generation and all future generations be the same.

Happy Veteran's Day

The Depth of Love

Often, I have asked my kids, "what is the depth of your love?  What is more important?  Is it how many times You say 'I Love You' or how many times you actually mean it?"

I wish to raise children who become like this Man, this Father  - I want boys who are- Never too old to learn something more about themselves! Even when they believe they already know everything that they need to know about themselves.  I wish for daughters who will challenge their husbands to love when it is hard to love, not just when it easy.

Our new born children's birth forced our own birth of our selves.   We went from selfish to selfless, it was a birth of our spirits  and our minds and in many ways of our physical beings.  May our  children carry on in that same manner.  May they love all, the perfect and imperfect, accepting every human one.

Click on these words to go to the ESPN video

Sunny Sundays

When you realize you wish to rise above perfection and accept being human- imperfections and all, it helps to look at it with a sunny disposition.

I found this to be something worth reading to understand how to do that.  Just a few minutes of your time, spare or not, for a lifetime reward of Sunny Days:  Read it here

In the end, the perfect day may just await you, whether it is actually sunny or not, it can still be a "not perfect"  but " perfectully human day".

Enjoy your Sunday!

October and The Rosary

Hail Mary

I wanted to show you a post from an amazing mom and Catholic Author

Click on the above highlighted text (not the picture)  to be led to favorite quotes about the beloved and meditative rosary prayer.

Let me add a quote from my little middle school nun teacher,

"Each Hail Mary you say is like laying a rose before the Blessed Mother"

When my children were little (well lil' Hen Bird is still little and does still do this) they would bring me dandelions from the yard, in big yellow bouquets.  

I am sure your children have done the same. 

 How beautiful is it that we can deliver bouquets of roses to the Blessed Mother with each Hail, Mary?  My hope is that you will be touched by these quotes from the link above and send some loving prayer and bouquets to heaven.  Meditate on the mysteries of the Mother and Her Son, Jesus.

Blessings and Love from the Hen Nest  

We Need More Little House on the Prairie Attitude

This resonated with me today.

Post by Jaime Primak Sullivan.

Where have all the Pa, Ma, Mary and Laura Ingalls gone?  

Why are we over run with Nellie's, Nellie's behavior and Nellie=like MOMS??

This runs personal for all of us, this didn't start over night, it is like little flames that have turned into a burning AMAZON jungle and the Amazon is precious.  People's presence in our life is a gift.  Maybe you do not feel they are the best gift you have received, maybe you wish there was a simple return  policy like Kohl's has, no receipt, no tags, no problem.  But real life relationships do not work like that.

Why do we have to say this?   Why do we not, as adults, know this already?

But we do and we choose to make Mean Nellie Choices anyway........

(and I think the majority of us feel like absolute Sheet afterwards, too and then we beat ourselves up, which doesn't make ourselves feel any better so we go back out and repeat the same cycle.....)

So what does that say about Society?

I do not have a worldwide answer, I am going to try to LIVE this daily

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” 
― Mother Teresa

I'm going to try to say, do, think it all with LOVE at the forefront, for others and for me.  Not pride, not personal gain, not jealousy, envy, sloth, and gluttony.  I am just going to try try try to live what Jesus said

TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED

dedicated to my friend, Marianne, who taught me the Golden Rule by example : )

Shopping with A Sunflower

This morning I was shopping in my favorite grocery store!  I actually drive to another state to shop there because sadly, New York  does not have everything. Well, it does!!! ( just not near me)  so, I drive to CT **sometimes** to do my weekly shopping at-.....can you guess???  Wide aisles, beautiful produce, fresh sourdough bread :)

Today, I saw so many wonderful things

Okay, I didn't actually see this ^  (( but I really wish I had)) :) :) :)

Instead, what I saw, made my heart and soul explode even more.

A mother was shopping with her daughter, who was drooling, not over the food mind you, but because she had no control over the drool. She was pushing the shopping cart with a guiding hand from her mom.  She was quiet with brown eyes, reminding me of the middle of the the seed head in an autumn sunflower.  Eyes which were wide and watching the people attempting to avoid her. 

Her Mother's beautiful sing song voice was floating around us.  Like a leaves falling from the tree, it was filled with colorful ideas about everything that was on their list, all the items in the store, and the thoughts of the people they were shopping for this morning.  None of us could not help but hear the mom.  She was a happy kind of loud with no apparent stress, no anxiety, just a beautiful mother's voice.  

We slowed down to help the girl and her mom shop around us.  We could not help but see the differences in the daughters gait and facial expressions from our own but like a cool autumn breeze, change had blown through the aisles and colorful moods and expressions attempted to penetrate the sunflower stare.

ALL of us, were shopping with the mother and her flower.  Happiness spilled into our carts and our cares and we all began asking the daughter ((and each other)) questions about our list or expressing thoughts about the loved ones we, too, were shopping for this morning.

Everyone blossomed!

Dedicated to my Beautiful Friend, Tiffany :)

Read her story by clicking HERE

Putting the Compelling in Spelling

Little Bird "Oh my heart, really, I have to study my spelling words?"

Mama Hen "flutter into the office and play those online spelling games, if this is the worst thing you have to do this weekend, then you are very blessed, indeed"

Little Bird "Indeed, N-I-D-E-D, Indeed"

Mama Hen, suppressing a giggle, "okaayyyyy, dyslexia"

Little Bird "mum, I cannot spell that yet! I just learned Indeed!" as she skips into the office.

Little Bird perches on the edge of the exercise ball while she looks at the computer screen and clicks away at the keyboard.  I, Mama Bird, am so proud she listened to me the first time.

Little did I know.........

Apparently, Photo Booth is way more fun than online Spelling Games!  

A-ha Moment for Mama Bird! So this is why the number of photos in the photo library has grown exponentially each day!

I see the makings of a incredible Instagram!

My little artist will always be a little quicker with the photos than with the spelling, thank goodness for editing software-both photo edits and spelling edits ;)

Coincidences #1

I have decided to record coincidences within this Blog, as I am curious to see how high the number will get to if I actually start writing the events down.

A little history: Yesterday's date was a significant date for me.  June 19 to  July 12 never arrive and pass by without (what has become)  peaceful remembering.  I lost two special people in that span of dates within an exact year  of each other.  Life is Not perfect, it is Human, it is Real AND it is a beautiful gift. 

So yesterday, I was in a dentist office--I know, not the funniest place in the world to be/but my point is it was an ordinary moment in the day's schedule--and I was going through some emails on my phone when I looked at the date.  And that's it: I see June 19th and boom... I'm at carnival having the time of  my life (in my mind).  The coincidence is: as soon as the memory came to me, the song that we listened to (and it is a reallllll throwback), came on in the dentist office.  Within seconds: I saw the date, felt the memory, and the song started playing.  So there I was, looking at that date, listening to that song, my mind filled with pictures of summer, laughter, wonderful friends and..

the hygentist called my name..... Back to reality :) 😉😊 for me.

Sometimes it only takes a second.  A coincidence is so quick you do not even notice it.   Sometimes only in looking back do you realize:

There are No Coincidences.  

Another teacher who rocks....

She is a school band teacher so she knows how to Rock, obviously.  But this beautiful person had such a positive impact on a LD student! Read their amazing story and tell me you agree, that she and Mrs Goldsmith are #amazingteachers with their students who are #notperfectonlyhuman

http://www.vicnews.com/news/261887611.html?mobile=true

When Letters Turn Into Words

When Letters Turn Into Words

I have lived with a most amazing storyteller for almost eight years.  

Her stories started when she began to talk at the age of three.  Included were the cutest little words like "Burr-Day" and "Dunkle Dave"  and "lower it up". She told stories about baby elephants, playful puppies, giant fish and Snow Families.  They were happy, fun and enchanting stories and we were, by choice, her captivated audience.  She surprised us with beautiful descriptions and details that held us spellbound at times.  I cannot remember anything but Happily Ever After 

 at that point in her little life.  

Then  "school" started.  The stories changed.  

My first memory is a mention in Pre-K of her teachers feeding her poop, stinky green poop, if you want the poop details-(most new parents do want those for some unknown reason).   In Kindergarten, we all listened as she described her day in the Principals office for misbehavior, and not just any misbehavior: my quiet sweet daughter  told her teacher off, yes with descriptive and less than pretty language (what teenager she learned those words from was named "Not Me" , you know that person in your house,too.   

But, really, what was happening to my baby's stories?        

The tide felt like it beginning to churn.  

Then the current pulled us out to drift at sea, unexpectedly, one beautiful sunny Spring Day. It was the end of First Grade,

 I waited for her at the bus stop and I believe she had Art that day because I remember hoping to see one of her pretty pictures when she arrived. However, she came off the bus in tears, telling me that she was Dumb. 

 I remember how hollow the word sounded.  

She was defeated and silenced at six years old.   

Defeated that she could not read the stories that were in the books because   THE LETTERS were just letters to her.  They moved around on the page.   Still captivating us with descriptions,  

she told us that they had little feet and they hid from her. 

That was the truth for her, not a story!  

Silenced, too,  because she didn't feel like telling stories when "real stories" meant the author wrote the stories down.  

That Night, after reading to her, 

She looked up at me with tears still spilling out of her eyes and said 

 "I always thought letters were just letters, I did not realize that I would have to make them into words my whole life. I can't, I don't know how to, I won't be able to. "  

Looking into those big brown eyes, my heart broke a bit.  I had no idea what life could possibly be like for someone who could not make letters into words.  

I had spent my whole life escaping into stories, and

 she had spent her whole life telling stories.  

It never occurred to me that she would not be able to write and read the cherished stories that she told.  

Reflecting after she slipped into sleep, I  realized that I had been writing her stories for her and she had been illustrating the pictures to go along with the pages.  I thought that the day was just around the corner when she would take over and not need me to write for her anymore.  I was wrong, very wrong,  it was not right around the corner, at all.  

Then, I did the 

Only Human, Not Perfect Mom thing......I blamed myself. 

I blamed myself for the wine I sipped when I was pregnant, 

for the time I sat in the hot tub when I didn't know  I was pregnant, 

for not making her take her vitamins because she was so cute when she made up some story of how Vitamins do not like living in her belly and they are happier in the bottle.  

HELLO, I screamed at the sky!!!! 

Since when does an amazing storyteller not have the ability to be a reader and a writer?With three children doing above average in Middle and High School, I never dreamed that she would not be the same.   

That is until I saw that defeated little face coming off the bus.

Thus began the journey into Learning Differently and Neuroplasicity and Vision Therapy.  Yes, we took detours that brought us to some specialists who threw around terms that scared my sox off, most of them involving the words neuro and optical  "mass".  Those specialist all shook their heads and said they thought we just had a child who learns differently. This website and that website  became my best friends at one point.  Life is often an unexpected journey without a map to help us forge our way....and a tiny child clinging to you, depending and relying on you....to figure it out.

That is when we met Mrs. Goldsmith.  Remember I said I was doing a grand job of blaming myself; well I was waiting for the school to do the same: blame me.  And there was one quack in the bunch who attempted to waddle all over me but then along came the woman who would change my daughter's life.  Have you ever had a teacher that you just loved from the moment that you met?  This is Mrs. Goldsmith for us.  Admittedly, I didn't want to love her at first, I wanted her to tell me that this was all just some confusion and my daughter was just fine and I was an over reactive mom.  What she told me instead was that things were not terrible.....but they were not fine and if we continued without any academic intervention then we might be in terrible trouble later.  She praised me for advocating for her, while I cringed inside at the unknown.   Mrs Goldsmith and her Multi-sensory approach (that is what the school district calls her reading program-- I call it Wilson's Fundations)  moved into my daughter's folder, into her school schedule, into homework time and eventually into that little storytellers head.   Mrs Goldsmith also moved into my head, too.  Surrounded by passive aggressive women in my immediate life, it was refreshing to watch something so different.  She would strongly advocate, patiently teach, and she would always listen-with a time limit (teachers never really have a whole lot of time, they are so busy)- but the moments she listened, she did truly listen.  My daughter and I both learned from her teacher this year, we both changed the way we think.... My daughter in the way she thinks about letters, words and sounds AND myself and my gut belief in myself as a parent.  Leave it to a teacher to teach me still :) 

And here we are a year later.  

No sullen faces!

 No references to being dumb.  

No silence and LOTS OF STORIES---

told out loud and written on paper.  

Our little story teller read a report about her Grandpa's life to a small group.

She read a book to her whole class at her birthday celebration.   

The pictures above and below are her Thank You card for Mrs. Goldsmith.   

I beam at that card!!! 

The picture of the owl!!!! 

Come on, how awesome is he? 

And then the letter she wrote,( not me,) but her!  Eh, so the words are not all spelled correctly.  She is not a speller, she is a storyteller and a writer and when and if the spelling does come, she will have yet one more thing to thank 

Mrs Goldsmith!

This life, it does not ever promise to be perfect, as much as we want it to be perfect for our kids, the fact is they are only human, too.  Just like us!  

And guess what, their story is going to be pretty amazing anyways.....not perfect, but better because it will be human.  After all, those are the stories we usually end up relating to the most!

If you ever read this someday, Mrs. Goldsmith, know that I will always be, so very humbled that your first words to me were: " tell me about your daughter, I always listen to what a parent has to say....."  

Homemade Art/ a picture is worth a thousand words!

A Catchy Little "Live Life to the Fullest" Tune

 

You can listen to the song, you may not have to read the rest of this, HA!  But like the song says....do it all....meaning Read this, too : )

Anyways,  I have been all over the place the last week.  My youngest

• made her First Communion, 
• had a lead in the school second grade play and then
• had two ballet pieces in her Dance School's Recital

What a busy seven days for her!!  (honestly, what a busy seven days for me).

What a busy seven days for the camera! HA!

A wonderful busy seven days that have been my calm before a possible storm.  I have found myself just looking at her, watching her, taking her in; seven days of pure little girl heaven at the age of seven.

Between all those happy moments  T-MAG paid me an amazing compliment the other day, he said "you should really write music."  WOW!  I love that guy.  My first song might just be about him, since my first book will not. AHAHAHA, he is a SAINT!

So, speaking of music and writing, I wrote a post the other day about how grief can grab you, remember?  You can find the post here and see, today,  I was driving one child somewhere and waiting on another some place else.  As I waited, I was flipping through the ITUNES library searching, and I stumbled on the above, a catchy "Live Life to the Fullest" tune.  I have to share it because I realized: this is the point of the message I was attempting to fight onto your screen in that recent post.  And I have to share it because, really who can't share One Republic :)  So here I say it, AGAIN, if the people we miss could come back for a few moments, what would they tell us?  I think this is what they would say.  Go ahead, click on it or play the video above, because none of this will make sense until you listen to it.  You already know that.  And you really want to listen to it, so, go on now.......

Okay, right!!....that song is like caffeine, isn't it!  Its here for when you need to drink in the life lesson of the lyrics.  You know, on those days when you are just dragging, when grief is trying to grab you and take you down. 

Listen to that song and strengthen yourself, to go: live your life.  Even with and despite the pain, the heartache, the broken bones and hearts, don't let that stop you from finding the living in LIFE, because that's what our loved ones would want us to do.  You know it!  Go do it!  Be like a seven year old, they think everything is heaven, adults should try it too.

In all my running around today, when all I could see was one more thing on my "to do" list and rain outside my window, when the fun and laughter of the events of the last week were almost forgotten, the littlest one found the rainbow at St Patrick's, ((which really still floors me that with a bazillion churches in the Archdiocese of NY, we end up at one named St Patrick's, but that's a story for another day)).

The rainbow, the song, the perspective of a seven year old, ((sigh)), life is so good, even with people we love, gone.   There is a reason you are still here.  If I were to have let grief win that war today, moping around (instead of skipping around-yes, she made me skip at one point!)  with my little girl with all that LOVE inside and outside my car....

oh, my brother would be so disappointed in me.  Maybe that idea that he might just see me and I want him to find me happy is my motivation, maybe it is the song, maybe it is my daughter, maybe it is the rainbow......what is it for you?

Go live this day, fully and completely.

  It may not be perfect, but you are human and you are alive.

You are here for a reason.  

I HOPE that you DO IT ALL : )

Happy, most of the time..,,,

If you close your eyes and imagine a loved one who has passed on, do you ever see them in pain?

Especially if they were suffering mentally or physically before they died, do you see them completely relieved of that pain?

In short, do you see them happy?

I always see the people who have left me very happy,  a happiness that is beyond what I can comprehend.  The thought or mental image always brings peace to my heart and soul.

Most of the time.

But, grief is like an unleashed Grimm's giant rearing it's unexpected, ugly, scary head.  Grief can be so self centered.   Grief makes me angry at myself sometimes, angry because death releases the person from anything that may have been holding them down.  I want to be happy for the deceased but I am so wrapped up in my own loss/my grief that I can't see straight.  I can't focus on their peaceful happiness.  I can't focus on today. 

Instead the grief giant drags me down by the weight of my own pain that I will never see someone I love,  again.  I will  never walk with them, never feel the touch of their hand on my back or my shoulder or my hand.  I will never hear their laughter, spontaneous, the way life just lifts when they laugh. Missing someone you can't see anymore is draining, exhausting and overwhelming; sometimes.

Not all the time but the reality is at times: It. Very. Much. Is.

Because, we are not perfect, we are only human.  And in our fragility, we grieve.

And so I am so very thankful for those who just listen at those times.  They don't try to fix, make light of it, makes excuses, or make anything more than:

a shoulder to cry on.

Releasing that sorrow is, as most of us know, cathartic and healing, bringing us to acute awareness, a higher healing and sometimes a loved but forgotten memory.

I usually climb out of "overwhelming grief" one step at a time.  I can't take a huge Grief Swatter and just smash the annoyance of grief.  I cant take a Griefhose and spray away, soaking it.  No, it is steps for me. Not twelve, as in the program, but steps forward and steps back:  Remember, Cry, Write, Cry, Write, Tears stop, Write, Smile, Shoulders Back, Breathing returns to normal.   Write, Remember and Reflect and Repair.  See the pattern? a step forward a step back, a step forward, forward, one back.... Until I am only going forward.

Usually what helps me climb those steps (we all need a carrot) is imagining that same person alive right now, what would they say to me?
"Oh ya!!! lay there and cry"?
"sure shuffle along and sob"

No, I think they would say.... Live like you know you will die someday.

Because you will, too.
And someone else will grieve you.
And would you want them to grieve constantly or to love and live, cry, remember?

Grief rears its giant head sometimes but it doesnt hold me back.  It may hold me down for a while, it may cause me to stumble and fall, it may ruin one occasion because I am not perfect, I am human.  However, it will not hold me forever, it will not leave me on the ground, it will not ruin every occasion.  Because I may not be perfect, but I have learned about my human strength.

And so are you.

And so are some of these most beautiful people who are living with grief like this daughter and this father and these women

It's such a catch 22, you know.

The ones who we gone before us are happy.

We can be, too!  even when or if the grief giant overwhelms you.

I have been there and I hold no judgement, and I am willing to lend a shoulder and hold your hand while you climb the steps, moving forward......

and sometimes even a song....but I won't do the singing!!!

Watch Allison Krause, Lay My Burden Down

And of course this one, too :)

Happy, the official videos

: )              :)                   :)                 :)            :)                :)