Happy, most of the time..,,,

If you close your eyes and imagine a loved one who has passed on, do you ever see them in pain?

Especially if they were suffering mentally or physically before they died, do you see them completely relieved of that pain?

In short, do you see them happy?

I always see the people who have left me very happy,  a happiness that is beyond what I can comprehend.  The thought or mental image always brings peace to my heart and soul.

Most of the time.

But, grief is like an unleashed Grimm's giant rearing it's unexpected, ugly, scary head.  Grief can be so self centered.   Grief makes me angry at myself sometimes, angry because death releases the person from anything that may have been holding them down.  I want to be happy for the deceased but I am so wrapped up in my own loss/my grief that I can't see straight.  I can't focus on their peaceful happiness.  I can't focus on today. 

Instead the grief giant drags me down by the weight of my own pain that I will never see someone I love,  again.  I will  never walk with them, never feel the touch of their hand on my back or my shoulder or my hand.  I will never hear their laughter, spontaneous, the way life just lifts when they laugh. Missing someone you can't see anymore is draining, exhausting and overwhelming; sometimes.

Not all the time but the reality is at times: It. Very. Much. Is.

Because, we are not perfect, we are only human.  And in our fragility, we grieve.

And so I am so very thankful for those who just listen at those times.  They don't try to fix, make light of it, makes excuses, or make anything more than:

a shoulder to cry on.

Releasing that sorrow is, as most of us know, cathartic and healing, bringing us to acute awareness, a higher healing and sometimes a loved but forgotten memory.

I usually climb out of "overwhelming grief" one step at a time.  I can't take a huge Grief Swatter and just smash the annoyance of grief.  I cant take a Griefhose and spray away, soaking it.  No, it is steps for me. Not twelve, as in the program, but steps forward and steps back:  Remember, Cry, Write, Cry, Write, Tears stop, Write, Smile, Shoulders Back, Breathing returns to normal.   Write, Remember and Reflect and Repair.  See the pattern? a step forward a step back, a step forward, forward, one back.... Until I am only going forward.

Usually what helps me climb those steps (we all need a carrot) is imagining that same person alive right now, what would they say to me?
"Oh ya!!! lay there and cry"?
"sure shuffle along and sob"

No, I think they would say.... Live like you know you will die someday.

Because you will, too.
And someone else will grieve you.
And would you want them to grieve constantly or to love and live, cry, remember?

Grief rears its giant head sometimes but it doesnt hold me back.  It may hold me down for a while, it may cause me to stumble and fall, it may ruin one occasion because I am not perfect, I am human.  However, it will not hold me forever, it will not leave me on the ground, it will not ruin every occasion.  Because I may not be perfect, but I have learned about my human strength.

And so are you.

And so are some of these most beautiful people who are living with grief like this daughter and this father and these women

It's such a catch 22, you know.

The ones who we gone before us are happy.

We can be, too!  even when or if the grief giant overwhelms you.

I have been there and I hold no judgement, and I am willing to lend a shoulder and hold your hand while you climb the steps, moving forward......

and sometimes even a song....but I won't do the singing!!!

Watch Allison Krause, Lay My Burden Down

And of course this one, too :)

Happy, the official videos

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