Each dawn is a dance of emotions
+ (Add) the dawn of a "special day"
= "salt to the wound"
Is that equation what brought you to Grandfather Google and the search for holidays and happiness?
Well, you have found someone who is so very sorry for your loss.
I encourage you to believe, that happiness will come again.
As a sibling of loss, a daughter of loss, and loosing a very special friend, I encourage you to reach out to those you are closest with and plan your holidays together. Be VERY aware though, that those decisions are going to be hard, because each of you are grieve differently. Respect that difference! I think families are very wise to Talk about whatever DATE is looming ahead on their calendars in small chunks- a little bit every couple days for the next few weeks so as to develop a flexible plan to manage the grief and sorrow that comes with the change, the loss, the separation, the way life is now.
Talk, and plan and write down the plan and be flexible (ie, do not expect perfection).
Holidays-religious or not- will never be the same after a loss.
Holidays-religious or not- do not stop coming, they continue to show up every year.
Preparing for them ahead of time is the wisest course of action.
Forgive the imperfect, even all of our joyous occasions were not perfect before our loss.
Do not let the loss add exponentially to noticing faults or imperfection.
So, you might be thinking, no way, Michele. I can't think about this now, I will just wait until the occasion arrives and I will deal with it, get through it, survive it, manage it.
**Sadly, then, two lives were lost, yours and the person you loved
because "just managing the moment" is not "living the whole life"**
Am I asking you to redefine yourself?
Not in the least.
You are who you are.
I am suggesting that to find happiness
you need to discover who you will become in the future, with your loss.
I encourage the bereaved ((who are preparing for Thanksgiving in America, or the over marketed and crazy chaos that Christmas has become or maybe have recently celebrated Rosh Hashanah or customs and traditions of another faith and upbringing))
to look forward and stand with us as we stare and prepare for the few remaining weeks of this year AND To redefine your expectations of happiness.
Soooo,
In a few steps
-take one step at a time-
(this doesn't all have to be done in one sweeping moment)
*bookmark this page to come back to these ideas.
*find a blank sheet (simple paper, or a special journal, or make a bereavement journal- a link for making one is coming, soon)
*find tissues, acknowledge that letting go thoughts might let some tears flow.
*play some John Lennon from above, or some other favorite music, (NO TV to become sidetracked).
* take a deep breath and write down everything that made you happy before your loss.
(if a loss of health-then the things you could do before your diagnosis or if the loss of loved one then the things that you did with that person or what they did to make you laugh, feel special and happy.)
*look at the list and highlight three things that mean the most (--okay five if you can't choose :)
*now look at the shortened list: (really look at it with an open heart, and take a deep breath)
-is there an activity that you could do that would help keep the person's spirit alive?
-is there an organization where you could lend a helping hand?
-is there a place that you and the person you lost always wanted to visit as a new tradition?
-is there a creativity that you can use to bring someone holiday happiness in memory of your loss
Here are some examples to encourage you:
On a note about where to get the energy to do this....
Here is where you can look why it is so important to redefine happiness: grief is an energy, too.
It is up to you to take the grief and channel it into something that creates a new energy of happiness. There is your ENERGY, being used for something wonderful!
It isn't easy, it isn't perfect but you are worth it!
This does not meant that you are redefining YOU, no,
you are not becoming someone else,
you are becoming MORE of you, incorporating your loss, allowing it to become a better part of you.
Remember what I wrote
in this post, in the Spring? Go back and read it and
remember that your loved ones lost, or yourself before your loss occurred, do not want to look back and see you sad.
They want to see you at the very least, searching for happiness, if not already there.
They won't be insulted that you have moved forward.
This is all even more important**** If you have children, please, work as a family to "celebrate" your holidays--because as a child (I was part child/part teen when my most severe losses occurred-so I still consider myself a child/adolescent) I did have ideas about what traditions I would like to forget and which I would forever like to continue so as to pass on to my own children someday. I also really wanted to do something to honor the past and bring it into my future. The children need to have a voice, too.
On a last note, at the very,very least, a crucial first step, I strongly encourage continuing just writing everyday, a little bit, letting the steam off the emotional pressure in your head....
so it does not explode in a torrent of grief.
You can make the writing a letter to yourself, a letter to your loved one, a letter to whoever/whatever inflicted pain on you, a letter to your childhood self or tell a story from your point of view.
Or go techie and you can make it an IPhone/Ipad capable for adults and even this cute one for kids and teens or for the android user there is Flava. If that is the only step you take at this time, on paper or on your tablet/phone, believe me, that is the most important, crucial first one.
OF course, after setting pen to paper, eventually encourage yourself to take the next step and create something (whatever it is that you excel in--music, quilting, photography, gardening, baking) A joy in the creation of a gift for someone else that may have a hidden meaning for you, is the true meaning of joy. **remember that in giving (out of grief) the receiver has no idea about the tremendous emotion in your present (if you chose to give what you have created away). No, the eye of the beholder will not see behind to the pain and the loss, and that is OKAY-forgive them that-because we really don't want anyone to experience what we have, do we? Just let them enjoy the gift, no emotional strings attached.
We are searching for how to find happiness and joy again. I hope this post helped you!
I hope you feel a little joy, maybe even happiness as you walk away from these pages.
Let me know if you do, and feel free to add anything else you think helps in the comments below.
Remember, life is not perfect,
let it be human.....
cry, laugh,reach, move forward and live life with loss.....
(while believing that you can be happy- I will be praying that for you!)
